There I was…staring at the gray lint from the inside of my pocket with a peppering of beach sand, a beer bottle cap, and twenty New Zealand dollars in my palm — my bank account had a dismal twenty-six U.S. dollars in it. Reality came over me like a mule hind-kicking me in the gonads, I had completely run out of money in a foreign country and my travel noob ass was just realizing it.
Or that time I came back into my hostel room to find the bare bottom of a man grinning vertically at me from my own bed like a cheeky peekaboo from beneath the blankets.
Or that time I time I found myself unknowingly sleeping in a run-down whorehouse on the east coast of the United States that was owned by a one-legged, one-eyed, toothless prostitute pirate ironically named lefty (he was missing he left arm, cruel nickname…)
Or singing karaoke, Living on a Prayer obviously, in a whorehouse in Maui Hawaii naively thinking it was an actual karaoke bar.
Or when I found myself and the film crew on the cusp of a knife fight at a Haitian whorehouse in Cap-Haitian when all we wanted was a hotel room.
Or selling my pride to become a freelance camel jockey.
Or my first run in with police in Thailand. Oh yeah, and the second run in with the police in Thailand.
How about the epic (failed) attempt to last-minute hitchhike from the north island of New Zealand to Christchurch on the south island…
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention…how about that time I was a stripper on a cruise ship? Is that an eye-brow I saw perk up?
These my friends are just the tip of the nipple when it comes to the mis-adventures I’ve found myself in while traveling — sometimes these epic fail-tales have evolved from poor planning, being a once amateur travel, careless frolicking and meandering without checking my budget or surroundings, or just the three haggard bitch-fates wanting to take a piss on my string of fate for a good cackle.
Whatever the reason for ending up in these situations or the end result, I have survived to re-tell these absolutely whacky and 100% true stories with you for the sole purpose to laugh at my misfortunes. And hopefully learn from them.
Ah, forget learning a lesson, just come have a laugh with my as I recount the stories and laugh with you — even though at the time I may have been fearing for my life or cursing myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Since the month of April begins with a day dedicated to fools, this entire month I will be re-visiting all of my past or recent mis-adventures where I was the fool.
Are you ready for this? These stories will be no-holds barred — no titillating, tantalizing, or terrifying details held back.
So make sure to stay tuned to this blog. Grab a coffee or beer or…if you must…a health shake, make sure to grab a diaper as well because you may tinkle a bit from laughter , and prepare the cold shower for after. Maybe even a smoke.
It’s gonna’ get dicey this month…