Revealing My Travel Plans to My Brother, and the Shocking Conclusion.

In All Topics, Featured, Personal by Ryan28 Comments

It would be an immense understatement if I said the relationship between my brother and I has been a tad bit rocky the past 5 years.

Growing up, we were polar opposites beside just our looks. I would be more prone to frolicking in the woods, building forts, pretending, using my imagination, and that sort. My brother on the other hand was always working. He began working at the age of 13 at a nearby produce stand, and his hobbies included winning trophies in BMX racing or becoming a championship winning lacrosse player.

Throughout our childhood, we fought like all brothers do, and he tormented me like all big brothers are supposed to. But the one thing that bugged me the most was that all of my lofty aspirations; whether by childlike ambition, or by growing up wanting to be a filmmaker, all seemed like nonsense to my father.

Get your damn head out of the clouds!” was a phrase I heard often.

Even though it was never stated, it always seemed as though my father wanted me to be more like my brother. My brother was a spitting image of our Pops, with the same hardworking mindset. He didn’t believe there was any other job worth doing besides a labor job. After a period of not speaking with each other before his death, I succumbed to his pressuring and was inducted into the grind of being a window repair man like him.

And at that time I was content with staying there.

After my father passed away, all I wanted to do was leave. I wanted to run away from it all. It was almost like my grown-up way of pretending it didn’t happen like I did as a little boy to forget about my father abusing my mother. So I packed up and moved out west. Ever since I left, my brother and I have barely had a conversation besides the one or two times a year that we would meet for dinner with my aunt and uncle.

And we never spoke about the day our father died. Ever.

I never really tried to speak to him about it. Hell, I couldn’t bear to visit our father’s grave, and typically lied about doing so. As I chronicled in a recent memoir I wrote, I never wanted to talk to anyone about it that day. I just wanted to forget. In doing so, by bottling it up inside for 5 years, it nearly led to my demise and also forced a bigger rift between the two of us.

Something I wouldn’t realize until recent.

Right before the dinner Friday night I posted an article recapping bits and pieces of the night my brother disowned me for moving to New Zealand. Because I wanted to move abroad for a year he told me I wasn’t his brother, and I was so furious I decided I wasn’t going to try to talk to him anymore. I was going to prove him wrong. Like our father would have, he stepped on my dream with the heel of his boot and attempted to grind it into the ground.

Or so I thought he wanted to crush my dream.

That was one of the biggest and most invisible issues. I was always trying to prove my brother and father wrong. Trying to prove to the world I could be great. I perpetually felt unworthy.

In the past few months while sharing parts of my dark past with you all, and getting some tremendous feedback, I’ve gained a completely new perspective and awareness of myself. I’ve finally faced much of what haunted me nearly leading me to suicide, and however this dinner was going to end up, I had a whole lot to divulge to him.

Would he disown me again like last time? It didn’t matter as much this time.

Obviously I hoped he wouldn’t, but I had no control over his decision. I just had to tell him the truth, and how confident I was this was right for me this time.

So how did I reveal it to him this time?

Well, a whole helluva lot different from New Zealand.

Up until this night, most of our conversations revolved around money. I felt like him and his wife always pestered me about my finances, how irresponsible with money I was, how I should live my life, and how I should get a secure job. I couldn’t stand dinners with them most of the time because I always felt as if they ganged up on me just to make me feel like crap.

So I didn’t mention a damn thing about money this time. It wasn’t something I felt important to talk about.

Instead, I told him everything.

We’ve never talked about when dad died, ever. And I’ve never told you or anyone this. Or even realized it myself until recently. But it fucked me up really bad

I began at the death of our father when everything came crashing down.

The money we received from the house? You know I moved out west, but I never told you that I blew it all on partying.”

I know you did, trust me.” He said.

Well, over the past 5 years I’ve always told you I was fine, and that everything was amazing. All I wanted to do is prove you wrong, and to not end up like Dad in a job that killed him.

Yeah, you were always trying to prove something to me and I was always wondering why the hell you felt like you had to.

I began by brutally dissecting the past 5 years.

I told him how I viewed his decision to sell the house, how I felt at that time, and how I see it all now after re-thinking his motives. I told him about every instance in which I screwed up over the past 5 years, how I blamed someone else, or how I made excuses for my missteps and downfalls. I told him about the times I despised him for selling our house, and how I resented him for being able to just deal with our fathers death.

“I was able to run with it, to just take it all and continue living and doing my best.”

“You ran with it, and I ran away.”

It really gets easy to live a life that is a lie when all you are doing is living for someone else’s expectations and opinions. I never knew my brother didn’t care about things like that, but I felt the urge to make him think I was doing amazing.

You always made everything about money when you talked to us. I didn’t give a damn about how much you were making and what job you were in, but you always started each conversation with how well off you were so we could only talk to you about your finances.”  he said.

In hindsight, I never realized that I did always fire off my current standings of false wealth and false happiness to prove him wrong, leaving that to be the only thing we could talk about.

When you told me you were heading to New Zealand, it was the last straw. Uncle Ken and I knew for the past few years you were going through some shit, and I knew you hadn’t dealt with it and were running away again. So I got fed up and just had to cut you loose. There was nobody that could save you except you.” he said.

During this conversation and in the past few months, I realized how hiding my past and pretending to be somebody I’m not was extremely detrimental to fostering relationships of any kind. I was so caught up in proving everybody wrong that I would let relationships with friends, family, and others fall to the wayside.

I was definitely in a dark place. Very dark. I hit rock bottom and kept falling until I reached an abyss with no light. And it feels good to be aware of that now. I came here tonight to tell you I am tired of trying to prove you wrong, because I have to live for myself and it is the root of my well-being to do so.

I’m proud of you bro.” he said. Words I never thought I’d hear from him.

Words I didn’t care to hear now because I wasn’t trying to make him proud. Funny how that happens right? But I could see his eyes cloudy (though he would never admit to produces wimpy water from his eyes) and I could hear in his voice he was genuine.

Just like writing about my darkest days here on the blog, telling him how I felt all of those years while analyzing my own thoughts has lifted a mountain off of me. Sometimes when you are in a bottomless pit filled with quicksand and pit vipers, you have to pull a MacGyver to get out.

Or sometimes the key is to be honest with yourself and others.

When I told him and his wife about my upcoming trip to Southeast Asia to teach English, their eyes lit up and they smiled.

That sounds like an incredible trip Ryan, I think it’ll be amazing for you and your growth.

Okay, where the hell did my brother go and who replaced him with this Care Bear?

Actually, it finally felt like we were brothers, instead of competitors, for the first time in a long time. And even though some ways my brother dealt with things or treated me aren’t the best ways, I now realize we were both a part of the equation that held back our relationship instead of just blaming him.

I had laid all of my deepest thoughts and feelings on the table that night for the first time ever. I am no longer running away from my past, blaming others for my downfalls, making excuses for pretend greatness, and living for others expectations.

It seems like this is the start to repairing family ties, and opening up the possibilities for me to foster other relationships. I am truly excited to hit the road now and meet new people.

I know I have the potential to be great. I know my own worth. I know my dream. I am living now for me.

meDerrickKristen

Comments

  1. Goddammit. Every time I try to read this, I get dust in my eyes 😉

    Good on you, bro. I’m proud of you, too!

  2. YAY! I’m so glad it went well this time Ryan! I hope that it gives you more peace in your heart now that you have your brother’s blessing. <333

  3. Ryan, I follow your blog pretty seriously and this entry was one I was worried about…. no one wants to disappoint the ones they love. I know. But one day as I was discussing with my mom the things you’ve done and the amazing things you’ve yet to do it evoked a conversation about my future. My future consists of two things: Travel, and cooking. Your blog had me genuinely worried about my mothers opinion on my future. She approves, what a relief and a weight off my shoulders it was. I’m so glad that your brother realized you need travel, almost as much as he needs structure, the desire to travel is in all of us but not everyone has the guts, or the opportunity to act upon it. I hope all stays well in the relationship with your brother. I hope this trip is everything you’ve dreamed of.

    1. Author

      Hi Anna, no need to worry but I appreciate your concern friend! I know nobody ever wants to, but at the same time I lived feeling like a disappointment for most of my life, which caused me to do things that weren’t me just to find approval that still never came.I am very VERY happy to read that your Mother approves of your passionate endeavors, it makes a huge difference. I think this will finally be the trip of my dreams!

  4. After reading your posts over the last weeks and months, I can’t help but celebrate with you! I am over the moon to know that you and your brother are reconnecting and that you had such a brilliantly open and honest conversation! Wishing you all the best!

  5. Sometimes all it takes is actually talking things out. It’s tough with family. I’ve been there, I’m still there actually. But once you lay it out sometimes that is all it takes. Good on you Ryan and with good feelings all around for your upcoming trip.

    1. Author

      Yes, Arnette, it is wild just what one conversation can do. Bt we’ve had hundreds of conversations, just not the game changing one like recent. I hope the position you are in changes for the better too!

  6. Amazing! I’m so happy for you Ryan 🙂 This is exactly the kind of wonderfully unexpected closure you needed before setting off on this next big adventure. I can’t wait to see what doors it opens up for you 🙂

    1. Author

      Thank you Flora, I am so excited I am nearly gushing! It feels great to get that kind of weight off my back before this trip, I can’t wait either!

  7. Awww! Ryan! Yay! I’m so happy for you. And reading this conversation, the way he acted back then seems to actually make a lot of sense. Sometimes we can’t see it. I think deep down he knew you going off to NZ was probably a good thing – but that you had to do it on your own and not have him to fall back on. You have grown tremendously as a person since the start of your travels, and I am excited to follow your SE Asian adventure 🙂

    1. Author

      Yes Melissa, I was blinded. But in some ways so was he. So it was nice to clear the smoke. I’m excited for this big adventure though, it should be much differently emotionally!

  8. Wow. I started following your blog about 6 months ago because I read your post (somewhere?) about breaking the news of NZ trip to your brother and it brought back so many memories dealing with the expectations of my sister. It is tough road when you have priorities and values that differ. It took a while (umm only 30 years) but my sister is my best friend now, we agree to accept those differences and not let them get in the way of our relationship.

    Hope you both can cherish each other and move forward. It sounds like you are both really want and need each other.

    Donna

    1. Author

      Thank you for the marvelous comment Donna. Priorities vastly differ between most families I meet, and we both just too an offense to each others differences instead of embracing them. Happy to read you and your Sis are on great terms!

  9. Nothing can replicate the relationship between brothers. So glad you’ve begun to reconnect with yours

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